It’s the same at every festival. You make a list of the bands you want to see, then the times are released and they’re all on at the same times. How do you pick between The National and Stormzy? If you see the end of Lorde, you’re going to miss the start of Radiohead? And what kind of a monster thinks you should see either INHEAVEN or The Magic Gang? A monster, that’s who. Still, we’re up for helping where we can. We’ve worked out some of the worst clashes for this weekend’s Glastonbury festivities and made a snap judgement. Sometimes. Sometimes we just tell you to drink a lot and go see Busted.
FRIDAY
CHARLI XCX vs BLACK HONEY
Starting off with a toughy here, but Charli XCX has so many 10/10 bangers that it would be remiss to see anyone else. Plus there’s that new album due in… 2018, is it, now? Chances are Charli will have changed music style three times between now and then. Embrace the moment.
GLASS ANIMALS vs DECLAN MCKENNA
Glass Animals’ oddball weirdo pop is made for a sunny Glastonbury Friday, but then Dec is a man with a plan, on his way to the top. And Glastonbury is exactly the sort of theater that could see a superstar in waiting lay down a marker worth talking about for Quite A While To Come. Flip a coin. We’re wussing out of this one.
ROYAL BLOOD vs HALSEY
Two men with big riffs vs one woman with the forces of pop on her side. If you’re holding on to the old ways, Royal Blood is for you. If you’re up for embracing the fun side of Glastonbury, Halsey is the one.
THE XX vs GEORGE EZRA
The xx are sure to be spectacular – there’s no denying that – but we know what we’re getting. George Ezra has been away, and ‘Don’t Matter Now’ is all kinds of fun. The cool kids will be off in the other way, but we’re coming for you, Geoff.
THE END OF LORDE vs THE START OF RADIOHEAD
Sorry Radiohead, but who hasn’t seen you 356354 times at festivals already? We know this is Glastonbury. We know this is your ‘turf’. But Lorde, see, has just dropped one of the best pop records in recent memory. You can wait. Just save the singles until after she’s done, yeah?
SATURDAY
INHEAVEN vs THE MAGIC GANG
You expect us to pick between these two? Seriously.
THE BIG MOON vs SIGRID
Sigrid is a pop megastar in waiting. Anyone who saw her deliver a flawless set at The Great Escape earlier this year will admit that. The Big Moon are one of the ultimate funtime bands, though – and Glastonbury needs to be about having fun. You’d be a sucker to miss it.
RUN THE JEWELS vs MURA MASA (vs BUSTED)
Run the Jewels and Mura Masa are great, obvs – there’s no arguing there. One will be introduced by Jeremy Corbyn, the other will no doubt bring on HRH Queen of All Pop Charli XCX. Run The Jewels could well be a ‘moment’, even, but you can’t really go wrong with either. But come on. It’s the second day of Glastonbury. You’ll be wasted. It’s Busted, at Glastonbury! We’re telling nobody.
KATY PERRY vs LIAM GALLAGHER
Broadly speaking, you know what you’re going to get from Liam – so watch a bit and then head over to Katy Perry while keeping your fingers crossed the fated Gallagher brother reunion doesn’t happen.
THE NATIONAL vs STORMZY
One of the worst either-ors of the whole weekend, this. One one hand, you have one of the most acclaimed bands on the planet with a new album about to drop, ready to send you off into an evening on woozy delight. On the other you have a man who has thrown the establishment right out of the window, representing the very best of British culture right here, right now. You can’t go wrong, you can’t get it right. Make a choice and try not to worry about what you’re missing.
FOO FIGHTERS vs ALT J vs PHOENIX vs WARPAINT
Technically you should be able to catch a bit of Dave and co. before the others start, so do that, then hot-foot it over to Alt-J for some oddball bangers. Just make sure you don’t end up breaking something. Florence might not be available to stand in for you on Sunday.
SUNDAY
HAIM vs BLAENAVON
Blaenavon are one of the best new bands in the country. They’re remarkable. They’re brilliant. But this is Glastonbury, and that is Haim. They’re made for each other. With new album ‘Something To Tell You’ set to arrive next month, it’s time to put on those awkward shuffling shoes. We’re British, after all.
MARIKA HACKMAN vs LUCY ROSE
Two of the best in their field, this weekend they’re going to be in slightly different ones at the same time. Typical. Former cover star Marika is on fine form with her new album ‘I’m Not Your Man’ – you’re never going to be disappointed there, but Lucy’s got a new one about to arrive. The thrill of the unexpected awaits. Either way, you’ll leave with a smile on your face.
BIFFY CLYRO vs LONDON GRAMMAR
London Grammar have just scored a Number One album. They’re back on the circuit after a lengthy gap away, and they’d be sure to send you away with woozy but warm hearts. But Biffy Clyro have an audition to make. They’ve already topped the bill at Reading & Leeds. They just conquered Download. There’s one last line-up they need to dominate. Sitting second on the bill, this is the proving ground. Can they make that final step? Of course they can, but you wouldn’t want to miss them proving it, now would you?